I am dreaming all the time that I have entered a tunnel , a very long one with no lights . The light  gets dimmer and dimmer as I enter into the deepest . suddenly I can see no more and I try to turn around only to find out later that I do not remember which side I entered from  . that’s when panic
sets in and I shout for help …… woken up from my sleep …that was a dream .  I immediately reach
for my phone and try to ring up mother . The phone is switched off and then I realize that she has been gone for more than 15 days now . Now whom do I look up to when I face any problem ?  Whom do I ask as to what she had for breakfast , lunch when I was away in another city .She is just not there . Something is missing from my life now , my daily routine has to be brushed up again and
the line deleted which made me call my maa every day when I was out .People are coming to me and calling me to express their grief and like a well tuned tape recorder I go on narrating as to how she went . Time and again I choke up while describing .My cousin brothers who were so loving when everything was there were visitors to our house this time  . Came and went like a shatabdi train on schedule . Later they called after 15 days to ask me if all ceremonies went well or not .

I have joined back in my job and every day I come across people expressing their regret and sympathies to me . They tell me time will heal everything and that I have to be strong to go thru this . I know in my heart that they are wishing well for me and that they are genuine in their feelings . But why am I getting irritated by this ? How can I be strong when both my parents are gone. Why are people not prepared at all for death . Maa was also a god fearing person then why wouldn’t god do anything for her . I am sure she had so many things to tell me and my brother , so many advices yet when she went it was all very in a silent manner .
How can it be GOD”s wish ?

I still see my mother taking that long breadth before she passed away and that look she gave . I remember consigning her to flames . Within few hours maa was gone , no traces of her remained other than her sarees ,jewelleries and other personal items  . The person who was there living and breathing is suddenly gone and the persons near her are left to grope with the sudden absence of her .as I watched her being consigned to flames the DOM philosophically tells me Babu , don’t cry , Now she has left this MRITYULOK  . She is at peace now . I just look at him and watch him doing his job of burning pyres . This man was so much at peace with himself  . I am sitting nearby him and he coolly asks me , chai piyoge ? I nod in refusal ..He tells me everything finishes here , everybody is equal here . Every person has to go thru this no matter how rich or poor he/she is . So this is destiny which was bound to happen no matter what I did .  U see beggars and poor people living on for so long with even insufficient money and food but what is keeping them ticking ? Is it their destiny to hang on …..
. Why can’t we change destiny ? I just read about a accident where  7 people of one family died .. Why is destiny so cruel to some people ? What is going to be the fate of the child who has survived that accident , what’s his fault ? Why couldn’t the GOD change his destiny or does he want him to suffer at the hands of his relatives .Why shouldn’t people know about their time of Death so that they can arrange all the things and wish everybody farewell so that nobody is in a state of shock ..Why can’t GOD allow that? He is supposed to be the Dukhharta (one who removes pain ) and what not ? So why the pain ? Does he want his subjects to experience pain so that they come to him and beg him for life …… . Maybe he wants it that way . Maybe he doesn’t exist at all , just a fiction in our mind . Just another way or excuse to carry on with our otherwise wretched existence .